Horrible things I say to my kids that I only kinda mean, and you all want to say but won't admit it.

"Stop acting like a GIANT BABY!"  Usually to Andrew when he is tantruming about something. 

"Seriously.  Stop talking."  I say this about a dozen times a week, usually to Grace.  Make that a bakers dozen.  In my defense, she talks constantly.  She usually asks a question three times before I can even come up with an answer.

"Andrew, get down from there or you will fall and crack your head open.  That would be an expensive mess."

"Grace and Andrew, be nice to each other.  When mom goes crazy and is sent away, you will need each other."  This is one....I maybe shouldn't say.

"Leave me alone."  Usually I want to say this out loud to many people, but only really say it to poor Kevin or my darling children.

"If you continue to act like an animal, I treat you like an animal. I will make you sleep outside in the dog kennel behind the garage with all the squirrels and bunny poop." Note that carrying the child out to the dog kennel would definitely drive home the point.  Not that I ever did that....

"Do not touch Mommy!"  I hate being touched.  Makes me cringe.  Creeps me out.

I know these sound just horrible.  However, my kids simply ignore me.  Excellent survival skills.   My pleas to be left alone and untouched, usually result in extreme cuddling.  Picture two kids on my lap and Grace's face plastered to my cheek and their grubby little paws all over me.  Maybe I should try reverse psychology.

And I have saved the best for last.  I cannot remember where I got this from... 
"If you don't stop that, I will beat you like a rented mule!" This always makes Grace giggle. I am sure someday I will be explaining this to some teacher or social worker.